Adoption Journal

Wednesday, June 29, 2005

Nothing to report

Nothing to report. There is no news. I feel like I will never be matched with another little baby. I feel like I will never have another little boy call me " mama". I feel sad, pathetic, and angry. I watch families and I see how happy they are, and I long for that. I know that I should feel happy that I have a wonderful son, but I cannot help but feel sad for the child I lost, the one I was unable to adopt, and the fact that I have to go through this pain.
I bumped into an old friend from high school that I have not seen in about 18 years. She has 2 kids. When ever I introduce Adam to people, they always ask "just the one?" or something like that. Sometimes I tell them we are adopting....sometimes not. Today, I did not. I want to go to Russia. I want to meet my little "Sammy". I want to bring him home and hold him and tell him how much I love and want him.

I want to be I was a few weeks ago.

Thursday, June 09, 2005

Why Me?

This is the second saddest day of my life. Today, they told us that our baby is very sick in Russia. He has been having seizures and he likely has a very bad case of Cerebral Pulsy. We will not be adopting him. I am so sad. I am so sad to think that no one will love the baby that I wanted. Even if we wanted to, we may not be allowed to bring him here. My heart just breaks. How will I deal with his birthday, on August 7? How will I live knowing that I left him in Russia without parents to love him, when I already love him? I think my heart has literally broken. As if we had not suffered enough. When will we find some more happiness??